Alpha Magazine

“Kossie is a personality, people want to hear what John Kosmina has to say,” said Queensland Roar “supremo” Frank Farino, during a bewildering interview, in which he admits he needs to stop criticising refs and getting sent to the stands, while in the same breath saying that managers using 85…

In a stunning development, the Bucket has been handed a tape marked “Mohali Grandstand End, Day 4” by a mysterious figure in a mask and cape. Upon listening to the tape, we heard several hours of swearing, spitting and the occasional “Can ya hold my hat, ump?” plus the following…

The SAS: once filled with silent, deadly men, with a profile lower than Holland and nothing to mark their presence but the occasional embassy hostage rescue and photos in the news of men in warzones with big rectangles over their eyes. Nowadays, of course, you can barely shut them up.…

Like Donald Rumsfeld channelling the spirit (and male-pattern baldness) of Julius Caesar and Genghis Khan, Pim Verbeek has announced an all-out attack for tonight’s qualifier against Qatar in Brissie. His cunning 7-6-5-4-3-2-1 formation will include three Tim Cahills, the ghost of Johnny Warren, a double-sized Phar Lap and a rocket…

The captain of a sports team yesterday complained in no uncertain terms about the attitude of his recent opponent. The captain, most often seen on the field shouting angrily, scratching his chin or looking around vainly for someone who could spin a ball even slightly, says his team really wanted…

Confirming that all pro heavyweight boxing now needs is a red nose that goes “honk!” when you squeeze it and a couple of custard pies to actually become a proper circus, Evander Holyfield has announced that he will fight giant Russian Nikolai Valuev for a championship belt that Ali wouldn’t…

Here’s a clue: if you go home at a reasonable hour four nights out of five, eat dinner with a cheeky glass of red, swear at reality TV for a couple of hours and go to bed, you are a normal, bored, frustrated human being. If, however, you regularly talk…

As the Bucket sat here this morning, snoozing gently over his WeetBix, while an irate editor shouted something about laziness that included a lot of swearing, an email popped into his inbox. “Bye Bye Bosnich” it said. “A special thank you for Mark Bosnich”. What’s this? I cried, dropping tasty…

If Australian cricket was a sitcom (and after the Truman Show, who’s to say it isn’t?), there’d be old canned applause from the days McGrath and Warne still played, Andrew Symonds would be the screw-up – always falling over on his face and going missing somewhere – and there’d be…