Alpha Magazine

Like Donald Rumsfeld channelling the spirit (and male-pattern baldness) of Julius Caesar and Genghis Khan, Pim Verbeek has announced an all-out attack for tonight’s qualifier against Qatar in Brissie. His cunning 7-6-5-4-3-2-1 formation will include three Tim Cahills, the ghost of Johnny Warren, a double-sized Phar Lap and a rocket…

The captain of a sports team yesterday complained in no uncertain terms about the attitude of his recent opponent. The captain, most often seen on the field shouting angrily, scratching his chin or looking around vainly for someone who could spin a ball even slightly, says his team really wanted…

Confirming that all pro heavyweight boxing now needs is a red nose that goes “honk!” when you squeeze it and a couple of custard pies to actually become a proper circus, Evander Holyfield has announced that he will fight giant Russian Nikolai Valuev for a championship belt that Ali wouldn’t…

Here’s a clue: if you go home at a reasonable hour four nights out of five, eat dinner with a cheeky glass of red, swear at reality TV for a couple of hours and go to bed, you are a normal, bored, frustrated human being. If, however, you regularly talk…

As the Bucket sat here this morning, snoozing gently over his WeetBix, while an irate editor shouted something about laziness that included a lot of swearing, an email popped into his inbox. “Bye Bye Bosnich” it said. “A special thank you for Mark Bosnich”. What’s this? I cried, dropping tasty…

If Australian cricket was a sitcom (and after the Truman Show, who’s to say it isn’t?), there’d be old canned applause from the days McGrath and Warne still played, Andrew Symonds would be the screw-up – always falling over on his face and going missing somewhere – and there’d be…

Scene 1: the darkest bush, midnight. In a clearing is a cauldron being stirred by three hideous creatures (Danny Buderus, Kurt Gidley and Josh Perry). They look up with a knowing cackle as a large, limping figure enters, wearing a dirty Manly kit with the socks around his ankles. “Orford!”…

Rumours are flying around the NRL Grand Final that this will be the first in which no footy ball will be used at all. Instead, the greatest spectacle on the league calendar is to be a giant cage-fight, between the grappling beasts of Melbourne and the Jiu-Jitsu living weapons of…

To the excitement of several thousand PR wonks, busily typing an infinite number of press releases, several passers-by and a cow in a nearby paddock that may or may not have been paying attention, the two new additions to the A-League have been unveiled: The Gold Coast Cash-Rollers and the…