Alpha Magazine

Western Bulldogs’ coach Rodney Eade says his side has made a quantum leap forward this season, although let’s hope it’s not the episode where he becomes a monkey being trained as an astronaut. To be honest, that’s where the series jumped the shark, but what do I know?. The Bucket…

A goldfish has warned that the size of his bowl is getting dangerously small. The fish, one of the bigger, louder species “NRL whinger” says that while tabloid interest in goldfish was increasing, his bowl was now so small, there was barely any room to have uncomfortable sex with his…

“Captain, there’s a giant, cubed spaceship off the starboard bow!” “What? Run away, warp factor nine! There’s only one race I know like that.” “The Borg, sir? The terrible Borg?” “No, worse. Cricket Australia! And it wants to assimilate us all into its really boring collective!” “Where everyone is focused…

The financial world was reeling last night after an unknown punter placed a small bet on the Australian cricket team to win the Test series in India. “It was madness,” said a top financial analyst (Brad from the local TAB). “He just came in, happy as you please, and put…

Ah, spring. That special point in the year. Time to put Poochy the hot-water bottle cover back in the cupboard; time to find out which of your eight sunscreen bottles have still got sunscreen in; a time when every bird seems to be singing, “I love you.” And, of course,…

The Rugby World Cup created a new class in Australian society. An invisible class – you knew they were there; sometimes they asked for change on street corners. You would see them sat in the park, hoping the pigeons would accept food from them. On bad days, kids would poke…

Sports people are a funny lot. By funny, of course, the Bucket doesn’t mean, “Jesus, that’s gold, it’s all in the delivery, I think I’ve had an accident down below.” No, from the serious face on most sweaty folk with microphones under their nose, you’d think they were talking year-on-year…

On the day that some top scientists (so THEY say) had a couple of beers and thought it would be “neat” to smash protons into each other thus creating black holes capable of sucking the world into them, the sporting universe also smashed into itself, creating widespread weirdness. As confidently…

As of yesterday, the Bucket is pleased to announce its return to fourth-division over-45s roller hockey; he does so for many reasons: environmental, legal and religious. The Bucket may no longer be in the fine shape he was when named “best reverse back forward goal hare 1984”, but feels the…