Alpha Magazine

As the champions in Ramsay St (and possibly Summer Bay) like telling us, if you can’t rely on your family, who can you rely on? Blood’s thicker, and all that. That’s why horrible ratboys, in court on charges of happy slapping the elderly, know their mum will be stood outside…

Woof! Slow news days, or what? With Greg Bird already getting used to life as the country’s most despised ex-sportsman and every Aussie player barring whatshername out of the tennis, it’s time to hit the emergency button marked “Bradman”. And as luck would have it, not only has the great…

Danger! Danger, Will Robinson, danger! When a coach starts slamming his bedroom door and stamping his feet in a big sulk, it’s a clear sign he either wants something, or he’s just had enough of everything and wants out. And when it’s double-tough Leigh Matthews you know he really means…

After 16 days of drama, tension, joy, police harassment and giant moving flower thingies, it’s good – so good it hurts – to get back to normal. And by normal, of course, we mean that the Bulldogs are getting beat and Greg Bird’s in jail. We’re still dreaming of the…

Best interview: Anything Sally McLellan said. It was beyond any interviewer’s powers to stop or reason with her. Incredible. Best image: Michael Phelps’ screaming, muscle-shredding celebration as his relay team touched first – just – to keep him on track for 75 gold medals. Worst excuse : “That’s sport.” No,…

Our new hero and saviour of the universe forever is… Colin the whale!!! No, hang on, that’s not right...Where’s that piece of paper… Our new hero is.... Steve Hooker!!! After days of trying to be stoked about bronzes in synchronised kayaking or whatever, pole vaulter Steve Hooker’s semi-unexpected gold medal…

Finally! The media has discovered what the Olympics is all about. Is it winning? (Pantomime audience response from all) Noooo! Is it taking part? Noooo. What is it, then? We don’t knoooow. Actually, it’s love. Not that the Chinese media are reporting on it (or anything beyond what the glorious leader had for breakfast), but the IOC hands out umpteen thousand condoms to the Olympic village before the games and none – NONE of them get handed back again. Come for the medals, stay for the jiggy-jig. And now rumours are sweeping the world that medal/ excitement/ sex machine Michael Phelps has been partying (shocked gasp) with a mystery beauty, and that beauty could be (double shocked gasp) Stephanie Rice. “I’ve had a lot of water, now it’s just time to relax a bit,” says the medal etc machine. It must be true, you read it here. Meanwhile, the Sports Bucket and Eamon Sullivan are off to the bar to get drunk together.

Whatever you do, don’t mention the dr… Aaargh, nearly did it. The journalistic community (and what a close, loving one it is) is tying itself in knots trying NOT to say what it thinks about Jamaica (pop: 750) suddenly producing a team of big, muscly world record-breaking sprinters. Whatever it is, it can’t be the use of dr… Phew, that was close. Michael Johnson described crazy showman Usain Bolt’s destruction of his 200m world record as “incredible” approximately 38 times, and called him “Superman II” before going home and crying into his tattered old Superman I cape. Sadly, no such dark suspicions follow Craig Mottram around, after he fulfilled his world-class promise with a fighting fifth in his heat. Finding anything amiss with Jamaica’s world beaters would leave them and sprinting in a hole. Mottram is already there.

The Bucket, when it wins (which is less often than you might think), celebrates that win with a quiet dignity: the odd handshake, a contented smile, perhaps a Cuban cigar. But now it’s thinking again. For the next big victory, do we go the Snowsill (a wildly premature celebration 10 minutes before the end of the event, including a flag round the fist and high fives), or our new favourite, the McLellan (bounce up and down squealing, followed by a frantic interview in which you say, among many funny things, “Did you see me?” No, love, we were watching CSI on the other side)? Sooner or later sinister agents and other suits will media-train our Sal into interview tedium, and she’ll talk about “team effort” and being “pretty pleased with the result”. But is that what we want? No.