If Australian cricket was a sitcom (and after the Truman Show, who’s to say it isn’t?), there’d be old canned applause from the days McGrath and Warne still played, Andrew Symonds would be the screw-up – always falling over on his face and going missing somewhere – and there’d be a couple of very poorly-thought-out shows called “Where’s my Spinner?”.
In the first one, our team, including favourite characters Ponting, Hayden and Lee, would pack their big green bags and set off for India. But as they sit on the Qantas flight, watching Mr Bean, drinking a light beer and hoping the damn engine doesn’t fall off, we realise there are special guest stars: ageing comedian Bryce McGain, unknown child performer Jason Krusty and two others the Bucket can’t remember right now. The happy scene cuts to forgotten spinner Beau Casson, sitting on his packed bag in his bedroom, wiping his eyes and looking depressed.
In the second episode, Casson sits excitedly by the phone, twirling a ball in the air, as news comes through that McGain has pulled a muscle turning his Zimmer frame. “They must pick me now,” squeaks little Beau. “There are literally no spinners left in Australia.” But in a stunning twist that rocks the country, Casson is ignored again in favour of battler Cameron White, who has high hopes of turning a ball at least once during his career. Meanwhile, brave Jason Krusty concedes 985 runs in three overs against the Indian President’s Blind Invitation XI and Ponting scratches his chin again and again, while crew hold up hopeful signs saying “Applaud Now”.