There are two theories about the merit, worth, and otherwise usefulness of former Australia cricket coach John Buchanan. One is that he is a psychological mastermind, who brings out the best in everyone and bonds teams together so they become an invincible unit of Jedis, fighting the Empire in every corner of the old Republi… Eh? Oh. The other is Shane Warne’s. Which is to say that he’s a mush-headed old granddad, a classroom coach, a theory West Pointer who’s never had a bullet whistle past him, whose idea of tactics is not to move third slip a bit further back, but to ponder that, according to Tsun Tzu, you should attack the vulnerable points first, if only one knew what those were…
Warne tolerated Buchanan when both were part of a successful Aussie team. But now they aren’t, Warne hasn’t let an opportunity slip past to give Buck both barrels; when England employed Buchanan last week, Warne giggled that this definitely gave the Ashes advantage to Australia, because the Buchanan was such a lame-brained liability. Finally, Buchanan, like Ned Flanders, has struck back. “It is puzzling that a person of his stature in cricket, someone with iconic status, would continue to criticise me,” said the Buckster, lashing out with all the ferocity of a sheep under anaesthetic.
Watch out for a stunning Buchanan-inspired English Ashes win, at which Warnie can only shake his head and admit how wrong he was all that time. Or, possibly, not.